An Open Letter to Lee Horsely

Hey.

Don't think we aren't aware of what you were trying to pull, man.

First up... the whole Tom Selleck thing. Sure you had the muscles and swagger to make the young women swoon... just like Tom. And sure you had the rug-like chest hair and porn star mustache to bring in the gay crowd... just like Tom. But then you had to try to one-up him.

You had to be a private eye... just like Tom, er Magnum... but it wasn't enough to know rich people, you had to be rich people. Texas millionaire Matt Houston... you thought you were Magnum, Higgins and Robin Masters all-in-one, huh? You had to fly around in your helicopter and, first season anyway, solve crimes brought to you by your slightly backwards relatives from "back home." You had to bring along your slightly backwards ranch hands Bo and Lamar, for no other reason than to secure the soon-to-be Red State viewers and keep Jeff Foxworthy glued to the set taking notes while he ate Zoodles straight from the can.

Aaaaand you had to bring along Pamela Hensley so that people who didn't buy into any of the above (but still harbored a Buck Rogers-inspired lust for Princess Ardala... or Charlie's Angels big hair... or both) still felt compelled to watch.

You thought we wouldn't ask questions like, "How does a multi-millionaire oil man get away with taking 70 hours a week tracking down his great-aunt's embezzled insurance money?" If you had that much money why didn't you hire someone to do it? Someone smarter.

Oh, and don't think we didn't spot the whole "Matt is short for Matlock" thing to bring in the blue hairs... and when that wasn't so much of a sure thing you actually get Buddy Ebsen as a guest star? For shame.

Couldn't you track down a black guy in a wheel chair or an Asian with a hearing aid?

But now Tom Selleck is on Las Vegas and your website is under construction. So...

Good luck to you Lee Horsely (formerly Matt "Matlock" Houston, PI)